悔しいです。

After barely a month in Japan, I will be going home tomorrow. I'd like to think I wasn't THAT much worse than the competition, and maybe the client chose them over us not because they were necessarily better. Just cheaper, maybe.

Ewan ko.

I know what I can do, and I think the client knows too. Everybody knows it. I'M NOT CUT OUT TO BE A PROGRAMMER. Fuck pointers. Fuck them all to hell, I say. Sana lang, after all is said and done, I hope the client didn't think we were that bad, and I hope they recognized that Baato and me did all that we could to learn what they had to teach us within the short month of our stay. (They could never blame me for not trying.)

Actually I had trouble saying goodbye to them kanina (kaya siguro ako nagblog, nalulungkot ako e.) We weren't able to finish testing our code, for one. Naiwan sa kanila yung sangkatutak na test cases na ginawa namin. Nakakahiya. That's number one. (In all fairness to me and Sir Bert it's working perfectly, we just didn't finish formalizing the document.) Number two, mukha kaming talunan ni Baato kasi nagbababay na kami sa kanila after one month habang naiwan pa rin yung Vietnamese competition. Ganun ba kami ka-olats mag-code at mag-Nihongo? Hindi nila kami mapagtiisan ng two months man lang? The competition pronounces "tsuuchi" (notification) as "chichin", fer chrissakes. If you hear their Japanese it sounds so dirty, wtf. Anyway, last but not least, okay yung mga tao. I could tell some of them were genuinely interested in us and wanted to be friends. I wanted to be friends with them too. I am in favor of promoting the Philippines to the Japanese people. (Hello Arashi.) Pero seryoso. Effort din sila tumulong kahit balu-baluktot ako magsalita and I barely understood them. Yun yung pinakamabigat sa loob ko e - nagbabay ako sa kanila na hindi ko na-express yung gratitude ko sa kanila at yung 申し訳ない feelings ko dahil I am not the programmer they ordered. (They probably figured I wasn't worth AWS' asking price.)

I didn't even leave an e-mail address. Parang, after a whole month of working together, kalimutan na. Parang nawalan ako ng isang buwan sa buhay ko. Malamang sila din.

結局に、I couldn't say goodbye because I was too choked up to say it.

But don't get me wrong. I'm happy I'm coming home. It's where I belong. I'm at my best as Tita Jamie. Sa Japan walang ganun e.

Sigh. Leaving just always makes me so sad. :(