so you want to be a writer

if it doesn’t come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don’t do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don’t do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don’t do it.
if you’re doing it for money or
fame,
don’t do it.
if you’re doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don’t do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don’t do it.
if it’s hard work just thinking about doing it,
don’t do it.
if you’re trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.
if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you’re not ready.

don’t be like so many writers,
don’t be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don’t be dull and boring and
pretentious, don’t be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don’t add to that.
don’t do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don’t do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don’t do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.

— Bukowski


Yeah I've been a pretty bad blogger. Sorry I couldn't come up with anything. Maybe next time.

Oo buhay pa 'ko.

I literally felt my heart jump to my throat yesterday when I got back to my desk after a quick yosi break. I was thinking about him since coming back to Japan early January, wondering if he was still alive and stuff, and then... he mailed me.

Yeah he did. :) At first I thought it was a secret mail, but then I saw his boss' address in the CC. Aaw. He asked me about this fix that I totally didn't do obviously since it was greyed out in the document he was talking about, and if he just read the item totally he would've understood it was about this function that HIS team handled, not me.

It took me an hour to create my reply, I told him all I knew and said sorry because I couldn't be of any more help. Tapos he replied in this really cute way, something like, "Oh, THAT. Of course we handled that. Ok I'll ask around here.♥"

Okay I added the ♥. But still, he thanked me like twice in his short reply, it was the cutest thing EVER. :D

Haha. Wala nagpapansin lang sya. バカみたい。 I guess he was just checking if I was still in Itami. Or that was his way of greeting me happy Chinese new year. Wahahaha feeling. Anyway it was totally unexpected, and because I've basically just been bumming around the office the past few weeks (unbelievable, I know, but there's just no work for me), I was definitely caught off-guard.

Haaaay. How dare you do this to me, Anjo. :(

2008: The Year in Review

I haven't written in a relatively long time, considering the fact that I hoity-toitily consider myself a writer.

I don't know why. Maybe I haven't been myself lately. Maybe I haven't been myself for a really long time.

I went home last December, enjoyed a real vacation for the first time since I came to Japan last October 2007. And I realized a lot of things. Remembered, maybe.

One: that Japan is not my life. Although I've spent the better part of the last two years here, it is not home.
Understandably enough, when I'm in Japan, everything is centered around work - I literally eat and breathe my programming job. It sounds pathetic, but there isn't anything else to do. So when something really bad comes up - an unexpected bug, condescending mail, Anjo - I die. It hasn't changed since I came here. Maybe it never will.

But when I came home to the Philippines, I realized that I am NOT that kind of person - I actually HAVE a life. Which leads me to my next realization.

Two: I love my family, my friends, and unbelievably they seem to love me too.
My vacation consisted of meeting people I generally neglected when I started my Japayuki stint - high school friends, college buddies, family - and it was the funnest time ever. Probably because I was only available for only a short time, or maybe because of the general Christmas spirit, but no invitation from me was refused (and vice-versa of course), and I managed to take enough memories with me to last another cold winter in Japan.

Three: I can NOT stand disloyalty. You have been warned.
This one's a different - longer - story, but I again realized that loyalty from me is earned, not given: first of all, a friend should prove to be loyal himself. Maybe it makes me a bad person, and I will not apologize for this, but don't you dare by any means piss me off and rationalize any form of disloyalty. I would rather you gave it to me straight. Maybe I'll respect you more for it; maybe I won't. But honestly, do you really want to take that chance?


So there. Not really a year in review is it. Hmm. Let's see. At the top of my head, here are the events that stand out from last year, captured in various posts: dying in January, going to Tokyo, Anjo leaving me forever in June, making Jim's farewell notebook (sadly there is no soft copy - you should see it, it's really good stuff, maji de), and going home for Christmas in December.

Looking back, 2008 year was the first time I felt "heartbreak" - if you could call it that - in a really long time. It came in all forms, and it wasn't always heartbreak in the romantic sense - there was the hell that is my job, Anjo leaving, and finally Jim leaving.

Thankfully the year ended relatively OK, because before Jim left I scored so many points with my cute Japanese officemates because of the farewell card I was making for Jim, and of course because I had the best time during my two-week vacation. So it's still all good. :)

So. Here's to 2009 - may it be happy and fun and exciting and nakakakilig and all that stuff. Because honestly di ba, life's too short for it to be anything but. :)

don't fuck with me. i'm hungry.

tennessytan: teka
tennessytan: bat hindi ka pa kumakaen?
jMe: hahaha
jMe: kanina ko pa status yan
jMe: nakakaen na ko
jMe: fine palitan ko na nga
tennessytan: pinalitan mo na ba?
tennessytan: same parin nmn a
jMe: pinalitan ko na
jMe: "don't fuck with me. i'm full."
tennessytan: aok
tennessytan: kulang yung msg mo
tennessytan: ....of bull
jMe: wahahahahaha

namiss ko naman si tennessytan. kailangan full name e. pero namiss ko rin ang rich kid.

richkid: hahahahahahahaha
richkid: ang bakla ni jp sa pic nating tatlo
wtf: hahaha oo nga!
richkid: parang kinikilig amputa
wtf: wahahahahaha
wtf: ganyan itsura nyo pag nambubully kayo
wtf: mga hayuuup
wtf: tuwang-tuwa
richkid: sana nag pic tayo sa ilalim ng kumot
richkid: tapos wala kaming tshirt
richkid: ikaw naka tube
richkid: next time ha
richkid: ang ganda non naiimagin ko na
wtf: waaaaaaahahahahahaha hayuuuuuuup

richkid: pero diba...pag nakita mo boobs ni blake lively parang gusto mong uminom ng gatas
richkid: maraming maraming gatas
wtf: ano baaaaaaaaaaaa
richkid: wala ka bang ganung feeling sa lalake wtf?
wtf: yung one time lang
richkid: yung pag nakita mo sya parang gusto mong sumakay ng kabayo?
wtf: wahahahahahaha
wtf: hindi naman!
wtf: nung nakita ko yung tyan ni anjo nung tumaas shirt nya, immediately naisip ko, parang ansarap dilaan nung tyan nya...
richkid: dilaan yung tyan nya?
richkid: puta ka wtf, puta ka
wtf: WAHAHAHAHAHAHA
richkid: apir
wtf: apir
wtf: gagu ang hot kasi e
wtf: tangina bat kase may asawa na pota
richkid: ano ba
wtf: baket
richkid: titikman mo lang naman e di mo pakakasalan
wtf: wahahahahaha

Ok I'm sorry I subjected you to that not very wholesome chat. Wahahahahaha XD

Tangina mo, Jim.

booo8oood: yosi tayo
jMe: hahaha tara
booo8oood: akyat ka dito
jMe: tae ka
jMe: :((
booo8oood: hahaha.... =)

Yun lang.